Moved

It has happened. I moved blogs. I love the pages on here, so I am keeping wordpress but to access my blog you need to visit…

My New Blog

Thank God she’s back to normal

Eh I think I mean that, lol.

Yesterday Maddie spent the whole day screaming her head off for the oddest reason. Miss Maddie has the longest eyelashes EVER. Well, because she had allergy issues yesterday she kept rubbing her eyes. Her eyes were irritated and her lashes kept going in her eyes making her scream bloody murder. NOT PRETTY!

This morning she is much better. No allergy issues but she seems sleepy already, and she’s still an hour and a half away from nap time. But the eye issue totally freaked me out yesterday I am sooo glad we don’t have that problem today!

Another issue with my sweet Maddie is the climbing thing. This is new to me. Mackenzie was a pleaser. By that I mean she knew climbing on things made Mommy (and Nanny-we lived with my mom) very nervous so she just didn’t do it often. Maddie, hell no. That kid does what she wants when she wants and she usually scares me stupid. I need to color my hair from all of the gray hairs she has given me in the past month. Well, she is still cimbing and standing on stuff that scares me to death but now all of the sudden she is afraid to climb down. So, over and over she climbs in things and cries and screams until I get her down. {Tried to do the cry it out, she’ll figure it out method, yeah doesn’t work-she’ll scream for over an hour}

So that’s fun!

bummed

Nothing major, just pouting.

With our income taxes I was really hoping for a new camera and some new clothes and shoes for me. Considering how pathetic my clothes and shoes are (which I am too embarrassed to admit on the internet) I was just really looking forward to it.

Of course bills come first.

It’s just that everyone always comes first. The girls, Howard…which I don’t mind but to have a few items of clothing without holes or stains would be super. I always put my family first and that will never change. Just the possibility of having some things for me got me very excited and now I am totally bummed out.

Will work for pancakes

I HAVE pulled myself out of that funk and it feels so good. I think I needed to get out my feelings so I could get over it and that is exactly what I did. I had to give Maddie her first time out this week. That wasn’t easy, but it was affective.

My husband wants me to go to work with him today. He’s an odd one. But I might just go. I’m applying for an internship today at a IT place for medical offices in the Austin area. It’s VERY close to home, actually it’s a block from my sister’s office, lol. Anyway, I am very excited about it and really hope they consider me. I would love the opportunity to get some more work experience and the money, even for an internship is really good!

I am really excited about tomorrow. We’re taking Maddie to the zoo for her birthday present. Us and Danielle and Beckham are headed to the San Antonio Zoo for the day and I am so excited! I LOVE ZOO’S! I haven’t been to that one since I was 8 and Kenzie hasn’t been to a zoo since she was 4! The only issue we may have is how early we’re leaving. We’re planning on heading out around 8:30ish and poor Danielle and Beckham usually don’t get up until noon (ahhhh to have one toddler again). Other then that it is going to be one fun day!

Oh and wondering about the title? Blame Backyardagains.

Wordless Wednesday

holy pessimistic batman!

I am the queen of the pessimists today!

I cannot seem to focus on anything good! I know there is good in my life, and around me but I am having a really hard time holding on to it and letting go of this stress and anger. Have you ever been so disgusted with yourself? Not necessairly by your actions but the thoughts that are going through your mind? I am. I don’t even want to look in the mirror because then I get even angrier.

The economy is killing us and Howard’s lack of a decent paycheck is even worse. He is trying to find a new job and even I am looking for a night job that I can work while he’s home. We are in one hell of a financial bind and I am counting the seconds until we get any penny from paycheck, income taxes and grants from school.

Howard and I are at each other’s throats. I thought when Todd finally left after 7 weeks that things would get better. They haven’t. They haven’t gotten worse either, but it’s still not pretty. I miss my husband, my support system. I feel so lonely. It’s so depressing.

We haven’t been to church in 2 1/2 weeks! I miss it so bad and feel that something is missing from my life when I don’t go. We’ve either been sick, too tired or not in town.

I am so freakin sick of feeling this way! And typing it out has helped. I am going to get up off my butt and do something. What? I don’t know but I do know I am sick of feeling like this, it’s  not me and I am damn sick typing about it already.

much needed update

This has been a long time coming. I’ve needed to update for a while but keep losing my train of thought.

The weekend after my last post my family loaded up and went to Houston for my family Christmas. We were the first ones there so we got to spend at least an extra hour and a half with my grandparents, which was nice. Then I saw all my cousins, aunts and uncles. Everyone was in attendance except for my parents. Everyone was also late which pissed my grandmother off to the highest degree. Once they all got there we left and went to the restaurant. The drinks were good, the conversation was not bad and the food was great! Maddie was pretty fussy half way into the meal so I had to take her outside. She also had an infatuation with my cousin Shari’s husband, Ryan. She kept pointing and saying, ‘him, him!’ She also was attached to Alyssa (my niece) by the hip! She calls her Lyssa, lol. Anyhoo- we went back to the house and the kids played their little game of white elephant and it went pretty well. Then the  kids got to open presents.

Mackenzie got a Orka Whale Webkin that she named Shammie, A preteen girls bible, Tinkerbell coloring books, ‘Here I am to worship’ kids  songs CD (which she loves and won’t stop listening to) and Ariel’s Beginning DVD. Oh and for the white elephant game, she got a wooden bead jewelry making set. She was in hog heaven!

Maddie got a purse, hair clips, a wooden block train (omg she adores that thing!), a play vacuum also played with on an hourly basis and some pajamas.

The adults played white elephant and everyone was pretty nice until our turn came up and we were snatched from and snatched back, it got dramatic, but fun! We ended up with the two gifts we came with ($25 worth of lotto scratch off’s and a Back and Decker Dust Buster wet & dry). I was very pleased! Then we headed home, and the girls did great on the drive home, thank God! Maddie fell asleep 10 minutes into the trip.

While Kenzie was off of school we finished our shopping up and spent a lot of time with family and with Danielle. We made dough ornaments for family and friends and that was a lot of fun! She also helped me a lot in the kitchen. I taught her how to  use the stove properly and she was able to make Macaroni and Cheese and even made the wing sauce for Christmas eve. She did awesome! Maddie loved having her sister home!

On Christmas Eve we spent the evening at our church. It was Howard’s oldest brother’s birthday and he drove up and came to church with us! It was so nice to see him and we had an amazing time at church. It was so beautiful and the songs were so much fun. Then we had communion which we needed. I don’t think I’ve enjoyed a service more then I did that night. We we came home, Karl came with us and Howard’s family and us ate wings that I had made before we left.

Then it was Santa time…That was fun. We hadn’t put out any presents before Christmas in fear of Maddie getting into them and we really wanted that ‘WOW’ factor on the sight of all the presents on Christmas morning. So it took us over an hour to get all the presents out and stockings done. It was very fun though!

Christmas morning went smoothly. Maddie and Kenzie were in awe of the presents and very happy with what they got. We had both sets of grandparents there on Christmas morning, which was a big change from the norm.

The day after Christmas we went to my sister’s to have our Christmas with them. They went all out with dinner this year and my brother in law made the famous ‘rack’ by Outback Steakhouse with the Cabernet sauce, salad,  shrimp cocktail, roasted potatoes (I brought those), rolls (I brought those too) and steamed broccoli. It was absolutely hands down one of the BEST meals I have ever had! I have only had one experience with lamb and It wasn’t my favorite but this was plain amazing!

We got my sister and Rex this big candle set and some large jarred candles in their favorite scent. My sis got me this perfume set by Liz Claiborne and Howard got a grilling apron and pot holders with the Aggie logo on it. We were thrilled! Mackenzie got a Yorkie webkin (she already had the exact one, but that’s ok now she has twins) and a bunch of webkin paraphernalia. Maddie got an awesome outfit from Osh Kosh with shoes. It’s precious! We got Alyssa a horse game for her Nintendo DS and some paint by numbers with horses on them. We got Austin two bioncle lego sets.

After the holidays we were in a lull of nothingness and it was wonderful! We all needed  break! We did have a game night and dinner with my BFF and her family and that was a lot of fun! We’re planning on doing something similar this weekend as well!

New Years came around and we were excited at the prospect of actually having plans on New Years! We were planning on going to a party and having the night kid free. Didn’t work out that way. Both of our kids weren’t feeling well and neither was I. By noon on New Years day Kenzie and I were full on with the stomach flu. Howard called my mom in for reinforcements. By 6pm he had it too. Maddie got it during the night.  It was the worst stomach flu I had ever had. We were all so miserable. After 35 hours we were all able to keep stuff down. I woke up Saturday morning and my husband was on a cleaning frenzy! We got the house disinfected and spotless by Sunday morning.

And now we’re back in the daily routine with school for Kenzie and for us. It’s nice to be back in our routine! Maddie will be two tomorrow and I can hardly believe it. I’m totally baffled at how fast 2008 went!

In Rememberance

I just watched the most precious 29 minutes and 57 seconds I have ever seen. I haven’t watched that tape since before Morgan passed. I’ve needed to watch it as an affirmation of life. To see with my own eyes and remember that at one point my baby was thriving, living inside me. I watched her move, dance, yawn, hiccup, kick her sister in the head, suck her thumb and interact with her sister in a way I will never see again in this life. That was such a beautiful thing to watch. But the thing that meant most to me was the 48 seconds of strong, beautiful heartbeat.
Kenzie asked me this morning on the way to school when Morgan died. I think she has a feeling that it was today. I told her that it was coming up, and coming soon. I didn’t want to spoil her Christmas party day. I normally never deter her from talking about Morgan but this morning I had to, for her.

I have been dwelling on my regrets surrounding Morgan’s death so much in the past few weeks. I know it’s unhealthy, but hard to do in these circumstances. I am just so thankful for Maddie, and that she’s healthy and safe. I’m so thankful that I had Morgan in my arms for those sweet moments.

Every Gift Comes From Above
We were blessed with twins, to cherish and love.
Born together to grow apart,
One in our hands and one in our heart.

If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We’d pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can’t bring you back
We know because we’ve tried…
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we’ve cried…
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too…
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.

The following was written in a card that the nurses gave us in the hospital after we had Morgan.
Gone but not forgotten
There is a little angel, with God up in the sky.
She sings a special song, Mommy and Madison please don’t cry.
Remember our tummy time and the joy I gave you.
Dear Mommy and Madison please don’t cry, I’m watching over you.

Morgan Kathleen
Received in Heaven on December 18th, 2006
Born on January 9th, 2007 at 3:05 PM

2 pounds and 15 3/4 inches long

Major Men Rant

Men and me do not get along today.

This morning I was talking to my BFF Lora on the phone, we haven’t spoke in FOREVER and it was long overdue. Plus, my husband was nagging on me that we had a ton of minutes that weren’t going to roll over but needed to be used. So Howard was texting me and obviously I couldn’t hear it. So he got pissed that I didn’t respond. Sorry.
Then Howard gets here (he picks up Todd every morning and he goes with Howard on his deliveries-yeah Todd’s been with us since Saturday November 29th) and Todd had just woken up 10 minutes before. Although Howard woke him up at 8am this morning, he just got out of bed at 9:40. So I tell Todd that Howard is outside waiting and Todd screams at me asking what Howard wants for lunch then. I mean full out yelling. I tell him that he’s buying lunch and he storms out of the house. I deal with my husband yelling at me, but my brother in law who is living here and being supported COMPLETELY FREE!!!! Can you say ungrateful freeloader syndrome?!

Todd has just basically ignored me since he got home but since Howard got home, oh my bob.
He is yelling at me all the time for absolutely nothing. I seriously almost cried last time. On top of that he’s picking on me and I keep asking him to stop and he’s not. He is doing everything he can to upset me today. He was yelling at me, yelling at the kids and totally trying to upset me.

He succeeded. I am so done with men right now. I am seriously thinking about downing some NyQuil so I can fall asleep so he’ll leave me alone. That’s sad.

Wordless Wednesday

Ok, a few words. These were taken yesterday evening around 9pm. Also yesterday we had a record high temperature of 81 degrees, 7 hours later…

And then this morning…