Rich Inner Life…

I have a huge issue with inner monologue. I constantly talk to myself in my head, plan ahead what I am going to do and say {Although I don’t always execute it as well as I do in my noggin}.

I constantly think about the past…full of what if’s and why did I do that/Why didn’t I do that? I also fantasize {realistically as well as when I inherit billions…yeah it’s in my head people, leave me alone} about the future. I think about what life will be like because of choices I made and didn’t make. I think about my marriage and my children and what will come with time.

The most common of things I get concerned about is will my children ever feel about me, the way I feel about my mother. I adore my mom, I constantly think about not having her in my life when I know deep down a part of me would be empty without her. When she is not manic/giving into vices she is the best mother and grandmother that I could ever ask for.  THAT is what I hang on to. It isn’t usually reality…80% of the time she’s not ‘normal’. So, is this a fantasy? {Whenever I say that word, I think of Dragons…why? Dunno} Optimism? {Little tap dancing girl in a tutu singing ‘Be Optimistic’ is going on right now} I suppose I am just scared that my children will be ashamed of me or don’t want me around. I never want that. I want to think that I would never do something to make them think badly of me EVER but that’s not reality.

See, this is why I have insomnia…ha!

:.K.:

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1 comment so far

  1. Lora on

    Are you in my head? When I read what you wrote I feel like I am just reading my thoughts. The mom thing and how you think. It amazes me that I have met a more confident me…lol!!! Love ya!


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