1. Why did I login to Cafe Mom?
  2. In fact, why did I ever join?
  3. Why did I feel the need to search for Loss and Grief groups?
  4. Why did I even click on the thread titled ‘What would you do and say’?
  5. Why don’t I have any tissue?

I haven’t felt this raw pain in a while. My chest is hurting so bad I’m doubled over.

Copied from Cafe Mom in Response to ‘What would you say to, or do with your loved one?’

I would hold her. And wouldn’t let her go. I’d want to see her smile, see her look at me. I never got to experience that with my Morgan. She was born at 31 weeks, stillborn. She had passed away in utero 2 weeks before that. I’d want her to say mama, in unison with her twin sister, Madison. I’d want Mackenzie {my eldest} to hold both of her sisters and kiss them both. I would tell her how much I loved her and how much I wanted and waited for her. I’d want to see her play with Maddie. Sitting across from eachother, holding eachother like they did in utero.

I pray for this image to come to me not in dream but in reality, knowing it never will. It’s been One year, one month, 3 weeks and 5 days and the memory of saying goodbye to Morgan and not being able to see my twin daughters together is haunting me.

I kiss her urn every day, at least once. I feel guilty leaving her urn at home when we leave the house for trips and outings. My vision goes double when I watch Maddie have a milestone and I think about seeing both of them doing it before me.

I still touch my abdomen. Hoping to feel her kick again like she did so forcefully throughout the pregnancy.

The pain, I feel, will never go away. What I wouldn’t give for just one look, one smile, one breath from that sweet angel.



1 comment so far

  1. Monique on

    I love you. 😦 I found myself asking the same questions, pretty much anytime I join cafemom, but I’ve learned there’s great support to be had there, you just have to accept it. 🙂

    (((MASSIVE HUGS)))

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