Archive for the ‘Angel Baby’ Category

In Rememberance

I just watched the most precious 29 minutes and 57 seconds I have ever seen. I haven’t watched that tape since before Morgan passed. I’ve needed to watch it as an affirmation of life. To see with my own eyes and remember that at one point my baby was thriving, living inside me. I watched her move, dance, yawn, hiccup, kick her sister in the head, suck her thumb and interact with her sister in a way I will never see again in this life. That was such a beautiful thing to watch. But the thing that meant most to me was the 48 seconds of strong, beautiful heartbeat.
Kenzie asked me this morning on the way to school when Morgan died. I think she has a feeling that it was today. I told her that it was coming up, and coming soon. I didn’t want to spoil her Christmas party day. I normally never deter her from talking about Morgan but this morning I had to, for her.

I have been dwelling on my regrets surrounding Morgan’s death so much in the past few weeks. I know it’s unhealthy, but hard to do in these circumstances. I am just so thankful for Maddie, and that she’s healthy and safe. I’m so thankful that I had Morgan in my arms for those sweet moments.

Every Gift Comes From Above
We were blessed with twins, to cherish and love.
Born together to grow apart,
One in our hands and one in our heart.

If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We’d pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can’t bring you back
We know because we’ve tried…
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we’ve cried…
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too…
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.

The following was written in a card that the nurses gave us in the hospital after we had Morgan.
Gone but not forgotten
There is a little angel, with God up in the sky.
She sings a special song, Mommy and Madison please don’t cry.
Remember our tummy time and the joy I gave you.
Dear Mommy and Madison please don’t cry, I’m watching over you.

Morgan Kathleen
Received in Heaven on December 18th, 2006
Born on January 9th, 2007 at 3:05 PM

2 pounds and 15 3/4 inches long

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Do you know what today is?

Now I honestly forgot about this until I got a call about 10:30am and asked me to come to a support group gathering a few minutes from my house. I went and brought Morgan, her memory box and Madison with me. I’m glad I went.

I was hoping to get enough ‘umph’ to watch the ultrasound tape. It’s something I’ve wanted to do but haven’t since we found out Morgan passed. To see her alive and moving and enteracting with her sister. I’m just not ready yet. Almost 2 years later, and still not ready. You’d think I would be.

Howard had a job interview today that went very well. He hopes to hear from them later in the week. I ordered my books for school and they are on their way. πŸ™‚ I made a ton of other phone calls today as well. I need to do the same thing tomorrow too. I need something to really kick me in the butt tomorrow to get all this crap done so I don’t have it on my to do list anymore lol.

I’m not even reading the Twilight Saga anymore {finished it} and I am still obsessed. I watch the trailer for the movie once a day. I’m so beyond hooked…more like OBSESSED! πŸ™‚

In closing, before you lay your head down tonight please pray or think of those who have lost an infant or a pregnancy. Please also remember that all babies are precious and beautiful, some too beautiful for this earth.

Every good gift comes from heaven above
We were blessed with twins to cherish and love
Born together to grow apart
One in our hands and one in our heart

Mommy loves you sweet angel.

Questions

  1. Why did I login to Cafe Mom?
  2. In fact, why did I ever join?
  3. Why did I feel the need to search for Loss and Grief groups?
  4. Why did I even click on the thread titled ‘What would you do and say’?
  5. Why don’t I have any tissue?

I haven’t felt this raw pain in a while. My chest is hurting so bad I’m doubled over.

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here we go…

Yesterday was not an easy day for us needless to say. We had our ups and downs…that’s for sure. Maddie slept in pretty late considering she didn’t want to sleep the night before. When she got up we went and picked up my parents and took Maddie to the doc for her checkup.
Weight- 21 pounds, 5 ounces {70th percentile}
Height- 31 inches {90th percentile}
Doc was amazed at her development mentally as well as physically! When he walked in, she was taking steps {assisted of course} from Howard to me and exclaimed, HIIIIIII! To him the moment he walked in. She constantly talked to him and he understood her. Apparently, she’s clearer then I though in her speech! Whenever he picked up his pen to write she’d reach and say, ‘I want that’ and he understood her lol. It was very cute. No booster for flu and no immunizations today. The infection has moved to her lungs. So now she is on antibiotics and on a bunch of nebulizer treatments that she needs to take twice a day for 2-3 weeks! I can already see a difference in there though and omg she hates the damn mask for the nebulizer! lol

After the doc, we all went to Babies R Us to get Maddie’s birthday present {a walked} from my parents. Then they took us out to Cheddars for lunch. Maddie ate off of all our plates, she’s such a moose, lol.
Then after all of that…we took her home and put her to sleep while my parents stayed there and listened for her. Howard and I ran {well, not literally} to the pharmacy to fill the prescriptions and then to pick up Kenzie and take her to get HER booster for the flu. She did great, didn’t even feel it. All 3 of us cried the way home. It was about the time of day the twins were born, Kenzie saw the hospital they were born at {right across the street from their doctor’s office} and we just lost it. Not a fun drive home.

The rest of the evening was pretty low key. We sent Morgan her card {you’ll understand in a minute}, ate dinner, gave Maddie a treatment, browsed the net, cried a lot more and went to bed.

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Birthday girls

My baby is a year old today. Last night, at midnight, I cried. Not sure if I cried for Morgan, for Maddie growing up so fast, for me, or for all of those reasons. I resisted the temptation to go get her out of her crib and sing to her.

I can’t believe she’s a year old already. Feels like we’ve had her forever but I can’t believe time went by so fast.

She has her checkup today, hopefully that goes well.Β  I hope to make a much longer entry, but right now, the birthday girl is calling.

:.K.:

Monday

Monday was a hard day for me. When I realized what day it was, I cried until I made myself sick. Not smart, I know. Now I’m sick and it sucks. 😦 Whenever I went to cry next, I shed one tear and thought of Monique and Kika. It helped.

Maddie was awesome the past few days, which helped too. She’s been very clingy, which I’ve needed.

I don’t know what else to say except I hope this will get easier with time.

:.K.:

Lights…Camera…

You thought I was going to say ‘Action’ didn’t you? WRONG! πŸ™‚
Maddie fell in love with Christmas lights when we were putting up the tree. Here’s my lame attempt to be a photographer with a lame ass camera, haha!

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Ronald McDonald

Now personally, I am not a huge fan of McDonalds the fast food place…but…they do hold a special place in my heart.

Β The Ronald McDonald House Charities helped us afford our funeral arrangements for Morgan. They lead us to the proper circles, and assigned a case worker to us to help us make the choices that had to be made. It was the most difficult thing we have ever done and they took a huge amount of the burden off of us.

I will forever be greatful for them for what they did for us. So, if you ever see a Ronald McDonald charity goer accepting donations, either on the street or in the drive thru, make a donation, it’s only a buck. I know for a fact that they use their money for good.

:.K.:

I spilled…

I was looking for bumbo trays online. I came across some You Tube videos of kids in bumbos that had me giggling like crazy. I started looking around You Tube and I wish I hadn’t.

For some reason I searched videos for twins.

I found one of two newborn baby girls. They were so close to each other, they were practically laying on one another. Their fragile little arms were intertwined and jerking like itty bittys do. One twin was sucking on it’s counterparts hand and the other sucking on her cheek, nuzzling. They kept opening into their eyes and looking at each other, almost to make sure the other was still there.

Makes me think every time Maddie cries for no reason, laughs in thin air for no reason, looks at Morgan’s urn and sighs…that she misses her as much as I do.

I haven’t cried over her in almost 2 months, and now, They’re spilling.