Archive for the ‘OCD, Anxiety, anyone?’ Category

holy pessimistic batman!

I am the queen of the pessimists today!

I cannot seem to focus on anything good! I know there is good in my life, and around me but I am having a really hard time holding on to it and letting go of this stress and anger. Have you ever been so disgusted with yourself? Not necessairly by your actions but the thoughts that are going through your mind? I am. I don’t even want to look in the mirror because then I get even angrier.

The economy is killing us and Howard’s lack of a decent paycheck is even worse. He is trying to find a new job and even I am looking for a night job that I can work while he’s home. We are in one hell of a financial bind and I am counting the seconds until we get any penny from paycheck, income taxes and grants from school.

Howard and I are at each other’s throats. I thought when Todd finally left after 7 weeks that things would get better. They haven’t. They haven’t gotten worse either, but it’s still not pretty. I miss my husband, my support system. I feel so lonely. It’s so depressing.

We haven’t been to church in 2 1/2 weeks! I miss it so bad and feel that something is missing from my life when I don’t go. We’ve either been sick, too tired or not in town.

I am so freakin sick of feeling this way! And typing it out has helped. I am going to get up off my butt and do something. What? I don’t know but I do know I am sick of feeling like this, it’sĀ  not me and I am damn sick typing about it already.


Thursday Thirteen

Today’s Thursday Thirteen things that went wrong today:

1. Maddie got sick

2. My team wouldn’t email me back

3. Howard yelled at me about my team issues which made me cry. He wasn’t mad at me, he was mad at them.

4. I couldn’t get on my student website to do my worksheet due tonight for class.

5. Maddie wouldn’t let me do ANYTHING except hold her!

6. Howard couldn’t make Mackenzie’s Thanksgiving lunch

7. Howard’s tire blew out at work

8. I locked my keys in the van when I was supposed to be going to get Kenzie

9. I had to ask my mom for a favor (enough said)

10. Howard’s parents decided not to move this weekend which could possibly mean that I can’t go on my twilight date tonight.

11. I didn’t understand my assignment for class, and my instructor wouldn’t return my emails.

12. Both my kids cried when I left for class, which made me cry.

13. I found out that the girl that was supposed to do the other half of the paper for our final project has more then likely dropped the class, which leaves me to do the ENTIRE FINAL paper myself.

I want nothing more then today to be over. But I’m still in class right now.

Trying to pull it together

What I’m trying to pull together:

-Team Project
-Individual final essay
-Trip this weekend
-My house
-Holiday plans

I am so incredibly frazzled. I need a drink lol. I have made a to do list for me for the rest of the week, it’s two pages front and back.

Thursday alone is going to be a rough day. Kenzie’s Thanksgiving lunch at school, Doctors appointments, class. I swear I thought about not going to class on Thursday. Just too much going on. I dunno. Ok and now my still very awake child is wanting to color all over my list.


I am starting to get a little anxious about all my work due in the next few weeks. I just feel like I have a lot on my plate right now. Which I kinda do. The holidays, my kids, school, work, Howard, his parents issues and oh so much more. It’s just getting a little overwhelming.

As for work, I haven’t worked in the office in a few weeks. My entire staff of coworkers was let go and since technically I wasn’t hired on with the company they just basically haven’t called me in. I submitted my resume to Howard’s boss. They’re hiring tech support and a CSR and I’m their #1 canadiate. Go me! It’s a great company that is treating my husband very well. Also, it’s a small company growing company. I’d love to be able to help it grow. So, I’m very excited about that.

Ok, this took me forever. Maddie is pissed and yes, still awake. Howard’s passed out on the couch and I’m supposed to be working on my essay. But when I typed in, “kill me now” I decided I did enough for one night.

classy lady

I got home from class a couple of hours ago. I felt so anxious at school, I don’t know what my deal was! There was an amazing presentation by a man who graduated from the University of Phoenix and is in the ‘tech’ business and is amazingly successful! I loved his presentation learning about his life and the challenges life has thrown at him.

No one from my current class is a tech student like me, so they were all bored to tears and I hung on his every word. He noticed lol. My class pratically ran out of the office and I stayed behind to talk to him. I shook his hand and thanked him for his presentation and I remember using the words inspiring and entertaining. šŸ™‚ He said that I didn’t look away once when he was talking and he admired that. After I finished telling him what I was doing with my education he gave me some great advice and told me to keep in contact with him. Can we say…job? lol

Not to mention I got props from my professor for staying behind and waiting to speak with him instead of running out like the rest of the class did. šŸ™‚ {Yeah, I was called teachers pet, screw ’em lol}

Before I left for class I had to deal with some drama at home. My dad left yesterday to go ‘take care of my mom’s issues’ so she would quit calling and freaking out on us. Yeah, like I thought he came over today, right before Howard came home to watch the girls so I could go to class to pick up his stuff. I knew that was coming. Not that I’m not glad to have my house back, but I’m just so annoyed in being drug through their drama.

My mom seems to think now that my dad is back with her that I will just release my children to her, no problem. Wrong-o woman. My issues with her had NOTHING to do with my father! She’s the one who said she needed a break from my children when I had her watch them for 3 hours. She’s the one who kept taking off and leaving my 74 year old father with a screaming, teething baby and a 7 year old in the evening past their bedtime. She’s the one who is being irresponsible with her life, money, health and the company she keeps. She is also the one who called me at 1am screaming, cussing and accusing me of things I had no knowledge of.

I mean seriously, does she think I would just…forget? She has this hold on me thinking I need her. She’s my mother, I love her and I need her to be my mom. I do not need her to watch my children, I do not need her to babysit, I do not need her to give me mommy break. I can deal with that all by myself and I fully tend to!

Howard’s company is going to be hiring a CSR after Christmas and they would like to hire a family member or one of the current staff and because we would have the same hours (that would help TREMENDOUSLY on gas!) I’ve expressed interest.

Ok…I think my husband is about to pass out so I’m going to bed. šŸ™‚

Like pulling teeth from a grizzly!

The past 24 hours I have been trying to get a hold of my team so we could to the team charter. Now, for those who don’t know, the Team Charter is just a contract saying the people in our group, their strengths, their weaknesses and their contact information and general first ideas on our subject for the final project.

THIS has been a struggle, which it shouldn’t be. I guess I should of started calling on Monday. Ugh. Anyway, I have received 3 completed Team Charters, one is supposedly on it’s way and the other will not return my phone calls or emails. Lovely. I am fully prepared to post the team charter without that individual’s information but because he’s the one who chose the subject and knows most about it, I’m highly annoyed with him.

Today is a big day for me. Not only do I have class, but Maddie has her 6 month re-eval for PT today. I’m so nervous. I’m afraid she’s going to have to keep going, I’m afraid that she’s going to have to stop lol. Yes, I know I just contradicted myself. I’ve just received so much help from these people and I’m a little anxious about letting them go. Truth be told, it’s time. She’s ready, she’s up to par.

We had Parent Teacher Conferences yesterday. That went very well. Kenzie’s making 2 high B’s and the rest A’s. She is showing so many dyslexic tendencies and her teacher agrees with me. What to do about them, I don’t know. All in all it went very well.

Last night, Howard and I logged onto our student websites and looked at our account histories. BOTH OF OUR LOANS/GRANTS HAVE HIT THE ACCOUNT! OMG OMG OMG! That is such a relief! Howard’s hit on Monday, and mine on Tuesday. They say that it takes 7-10 business days for the money to be disbursed to us. Finally we have an outlook on it! I cannot wait until they get here. According to the website, it looks like we’re getting more then we expected, but that website is so damn vague and confusing I never know. What I do know is it’s on the way. *sigh*

Too many subjects for a title

First of all, the thing that you are all thinking about, YES I got my caffeine. šŸ™‚

First night of school was great. I like my instructor, he’s a riot. Totally opinionated, although open minded and not politically correct. Total straight shooter and likes to pick on me. šŸ™‚ We’re going to get along, I can tell. We got our learning teams to release some of the stress I have of letting control be taken by someone who is not myself that is responsible for my final grade, I took on the other stress of being the team leader or spokes person. I am an idiot. šŸ™‚ Our final project is on Audio Engineering. eek.

Friday was even better. Danielle came over and had lunch with us and we played, hung out and had dinner. The first hour that she was there I got 8 phone calls. Not kidding. My enrollment counselor, my finance counselor, a member of my team, Howard x2, my mom, a sales call and my father in law! When the sun went down we went trick or treating. Maddie walked the whole way, we’re talking OVER A MILE! Beckham was not happy, until a parent handed HIM candy then he got out and was beyond excited! After trick-or-treating we went to Danielle’s mom’s house and had some goodies for the kids and hustled candy lol.

Today we didn’t do much but clean. Oh and Howard took apart his pre-made desk from Wal-mart and made a bigger desk, like seriously by 2 feet with us only spending like $15. He’s so handy.

So I’ve decided to do NaBloPoMo again this year. I have lots to blog about and I enjoy it so…yeah. šŸ™‚

Check out after the jump for some pictures of the past few days

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Wake up, time for school!

It’s finally time.

As of tonight, I will start my first class as a student in the Bachelors of Science program at U of P. I’m insanely nervous for no reason at all. It’s just personal anxiety. I have no doubt I’ll be able to pass this class, it’s just the change mainly.

I know I’m going to have to work with and depend on others to do my assignments {U of P does ‘learning teams’} THAT’s going to be a stretch for me, but it something I don’t have a choice on. I have two years of classes on this campus and I need to swallow down my anxieties and pull it together. I know after the first class, I’ll feel better.

And of course, today is the day that my husband decides that I should stop drinking caffeine…yeah freaking right. I need a cup of coffee like now, and I plan on having at least one laaaaaaarge glass of coke later lol.

Beware of imaginary flying objects!

Let’s backup a little…

On Sunday Howard and I went to church. I haven’t been to church since April 2005. I’ve been wanting to go, and I’m glad we did. It was a huge congregation with TONS of people and very ‘new age’. I really enjoyed it and frankly cried all the way through it. I loved it and didn’t really want to leave when it ended and have been counting down the days when I can go back. I guess I need it right now because I have never had the strong desire to go to church. I really can’t wait until Sunday.

Ok now for the present…

This evening is my orientation and New Student Workshop. I’m pretty anxious about it because Howard’s probably not coming with me {due to his work schedule}.

Tomorrow is going to be one hectic day…I have to find a sitter for Maddie so I can go volunteer at Kenzie’s school for half the day. Then besides taking care of my kids and car pool with Kenzie and some other kids I have my sister’s pampered chef party at 7. At least I can chill and have a cocktail while learning about way too expensive kitchen gadgets that I want. Oh and my cousin Shari is coming and so I’m so excited to see her, it’s been too long. For then next two evenings I won’t be home. I don’t like that, but what can I do?!

Last night as we were going to bed, Howard jams his hands against the headboard and yelps in pain. At the same time I whip the covers up over my chest and when I do, something hard and plastic {still don’t know what} pops up from the blanket and hits me in the face. Howard swears I imagined it. The soreness on my cheekbone this morning says otherwise. This morning I get a text: Watch out for imaginary plastic objects flying at you.


The family; lately

I’ve been meaning to blog, but seriously haven’t had the time. Between the hours of 7am and 7pm yesterday I was home maybe…an hour at the most. Crazy!

Howard got a job! It’s for an office supply company and he does deliveries for them. They mainly provide supplies for pro bono, non profit or local government offices. He LOVES the job so far. He said he barely feels like he’s working because it’s so easy. I guess that’s just what he needs while he’s going to school. Also, the money is not half bad either. He starts classes on the 27th and is a little anxious about it…change…it’s normal. We have orientation this week, so hopefully that will wean a little of the anxiety.

Kenzie’s doing well. She’s the star of the week this week! She’s so excited she gets extra attention, lol. Her grades are doing very well and her reading even better! We are way into the American Girl series of books {which is scary in a way because I KNOW she is going to ask me for one of those $90 dolls…yikes}. I really enjoy the books because they are based around historical events and she learns so much of them. The first one we read was Meet Samantha, set in 1904. All sorts of things had to be explained in that one, and she cried all the way through the book. It touched issues on slavery, segregation, child laborers and rich vs. poor. It was an eye opener for my beautiful little 7 year old.

Maddie is a vampire. No really. She bites, she doesn’t eat real food {I seriously think she prefers blood, mine to be exact} and she doesn’t sleep. I think I need to take her to a doctor, lol. She’s teething…AGAIN. Oh strike the eating thing, she ate a banana and now half of a piece of cheese toast! SCORE! Her newest phrase is, ‘What you doing?!’ It’s more like an accusation then a question. I actually have a video of her jabbering at me. Click HERE to see it.

I’ve been looking for a job, like the other millions in this city. It’s hard to find one that is not only local but will work around my other commitments. The closer I get to starting class the more I tend to regret not choosing to do it online. Nothing I can do about it now though, can I?

We’ve been thinking about moving. Downgrading our payment as well as our house so it won’t be so hard to keep up. I don’t want to leave our house because as a rental house it’s PERFECT in my eyes except we have one connecting wall and the management sucks. The manager here is having some MAJOR FAMILY PROBLEMS and how I totally respect that she has really let the complex go to hell and that’s not ok. They don’t have an assistant manager, in fact that was supposed to be me as of January. Our lease is up as of midnight on December 31st. So we’re looking into a few things but not making any rash decisions. The two places we’re looking into are convenient in every sense of the word. The first choice is RIGHT NEXT TO MACKENZIE’S SCHOOL! The second is the same complex my parents live in. That means that our childcare dilemma would be solved…Nice.

Unfortunately I have to leave now and go over to my parents and be gone all day, yet again. This week is so nuts, I need a vacation. Oh, we’re planning on going back to Sea World in the next few weeks…YAY! šŸ™‚ Mini Vacay!